Minggu, 28 Juni 2015

Please , Stop Judging Your Partner

By Dillah Wlk   Posted at  09.42   No comments

Stop Judging Your Partner

“Really get to know a person by watching them closely without judgment.” T.R. Horne

Wonderful things will happen when you offer your partner acceptance and attention, rather than criticism and judgment. What might happen if we simply respected our partner’s right to think what they think and feel how they feel?

It is an interesting challenge to let go of the need to weigh and measure everything to decide if we approve. What if our approval is not required? Simply our acceptance.

Unfortunately, for too many couples, the frequency of acceptance and approval starts to diminish as disappointments, hurts and resentments build up. Criticism, right-fighting and judgment enters the relationship. Blame and judgment go hand-in-hand in creating division and discontent in relationships.

Judgment gives the messages, you are not enough; you are defective somehow. Judgment gets in the way of loving unconditionally. It sets a tone for the attitude of – I love you when you do what I want or what I expect. It leads to the withholding of love.

It is a challenge to give up the tendency to judge what our partner says or does. Hopefully we never use words such as stupid, idiot or worse when we are talking to or refering to our partner. These attitudes and words are extremely poisonous to relationships.

Interesting things will start to happen when we give up the need to decide if what our partner does or says is good or bad, right or wrong. Sitting in judgment of our partner leads to conflict.

Try replacing “It is good that you . . .” with “I enjoyed when you . . .” and “You were right” with “I appreciated when you . . .”
Try replacing “You are wrong” with “We seem to disagree, here is how I see it” and “That was a stupid thing to do” with “That was is an interesting choice, what made you decide . . .” Your tone of voice is probably as or more important than the words you choose.

It is not our place to judge our partner. If we find ourselves judging our partner, there is a very good chance that we also judge ourselves harshly. Make a habit of focusing on the positives. Pay attention to your strengths and your partner’s strengths. When you catch yourself thinking judgmental thoughts about yourself or your partner, try putting a more positive spin on those thoughts.

Passing judgment hurts our partner and the relationship. It fills the relationship with negativity and although it may momentarily feel satisfying, it usually leads to feeling worse in the long run.

Control what you can control – and that is not your partner.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor; Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

Selasa, 09 Juni 2015

Rules To Being Romantic To Your Woman Tips

By Dillah Wlk   Posted at  10.37   Women No comments

Rules To Being Romantic To Your Woman Tips

                   A protestation I hear all the time is that there are insufficient men that know how to be sentimental. Numerous men appear to battle with seeing how to address the hearts of ladies, and make them feel uncommon. Some may say that ladies could utilize some change also. Be that as it may, for a significant number of us, the length of you give us that goods your "sentimental obligations" have been satisfied : ). So why do as such numerous men battle with being sentimental? I trust this is on the grounds that numerous don't comprehend the establishment of the demonstration. So here I will lay out what I feel are the 3 guidelines to being sentimental.

Sentimental Rule 1: What meets expectations for one does not work for all.

                   Blooms and blessings is not the response for each lady. Yes they are decent motions, yet you have to take eventually to take in her affection dialect and start to comprehend what she values. I know of a story where a man would purchase his lady blooms consistently. When she was gotten some information about it she said "I don't even like blossoms". On the off chance that you don't require some investment to get tuned in to your lady then your certified endeavors to be sentimental will fall level. Side Note: don't believe that asking direct inquiries with each lady will dependably get you direct replies. In some cases you must be cunning, attentive, or just pay consideration on successfully assemble data on her yearnings. A few ladies simply would prefer not to need to let you know what you have to know. She needs you to advance some exertion and make sense of it all alone. This prompts the following guideline.

Sentimental Rule 2: It's more about the exertion than it is about the item.

We should stay with roses here. Whether she does or doesn't care for blossoms, there is a hidden element that will have a gigantic effect. It's one thing for a man to give his lady a rose that he stole from his momma's home versus the man who searched for a particular bloom and needed to pay some dues to get it. She may not enjoy the rose, but rather in the event that she adores you she will treasure the exertion you put into getting it. That is the reason a man can decide to make a card as opposed to purchasing it and that lady will feel so unique. Since she sees the exertion you were willing to put into making that card for her. In the event that you demonstrate that you are certified, and that you are willing to advance exertion, you can make the littlest things appear like the greatest. Demonstrate her the amount you mind and the amount she intends to you. Invest some push to deliver something unique for her. Bona fide + Effort = Something Special.

Sentimental Rule 3: It's about her.

You can't be sentimental while being egotistical. Endeavoring to sentiment her must be about what her needs are and what she enjoys. In the event that you don't prefer to do something that she does, consider giving up your aversion which would really indicate more sentiment. Here is a sample: how about we say your lady preferences heading off to the toe dance, however you completely abhor it. You have decided you need to do something sentimental so you advise her ahead of time you have something uncommon arranged. You return home and advise her to get dressed on the grounds that you are taking her to the graceful expression (for extra focuses, you return home with an outfit a companion or relative has affirmed she truly needs and loves). She may say to you "however I thought you detested the performance" and you react "I do abhor the dance, yet I adore you much more, and today I need to put a grin all over. So go now and get prepared". Maaaannnnnnn you may not even make it out of the house! She might simply hop your bones in that spot and give it up. The basic actuality that you were willing to do something you couldn't care less for, in light of the fact that you need to make her glad would be considered by most to be exceptionally sentimental. It can go far towards making her vibe exceptionally unique. Side Note: you may not care for it, but rather take delight in making her upbeat which will help you traverse something like the aerial artistry, undesired parties, viewing the lifetime channel with her or whatever other poo she takes bliss from lol ; ).

I will never say that something applies to all, however I do accept that most ladies will concur with these guidelines. It all comes down to knowing your lady, investing exertion, and being willing to be benevolent. Apply these standards and I am sure you will enhance your relationship and be seen as the sentimental man she wants. Presently you know not, improve.

Senin, 25 Mei 2015

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

By Dillah Wlk   Posted at  19.53   No comments

Letting Go of Unrealistic Expectations

If you are harboring unrealistic expectations, it is only a matter of time before they damage your relationship. Unrealistic expectations set you up for huge disappointment and lead to discouragement and an unnecessary sense of failure. It is not what happens in your relationship, but how you spin it for yourself that causes great pain.

Say for example you hold the expectation that you should always feel madly in love. It is inevitable that life will get in the way and there may be some days where you do not even particularly like each other. If you draw the false conclusion that this means you are not good enough or that maybe you were never in love, then your relationship will begin to falter. You will likely start to think negatively about yourself, your partner and your relationship. You may begin to act negatively toward your partner. These choices of thoughts and behaviors start to reinforce your false conclusion. The tendency then is often to avoid working on your issues and avoid seeking help. It is helpful to recognize that great relationships require consistent effort, respect, kindness and forgiveness, even when things are going well.

How do you know if your expectations are unrealistic? This may not be easy since your expectations probably seem perfectly reasonable to you.

Signs that you may be harboring an unrealistic expectation:
  1. You are continually disappointed that your expectation has not been met. When you notice a pattern of repeated disappointment, it may be time to carefully consider your expectation and whether it is completely realistic.
  2. You are trying to control something that is not within your control
  3. You are assuming or mind reading.
  4. Your expectations make it not okay to be who you are.
  5. Your expectations make it not okay for your partner to be who they are.
It can be difficult to let go of unrealistic expectations. You may believe that you have to keep your standards high in order to motivate yourself or to protect yourself. It is helpful to distinguish between high standards, which are worth striving for and unrealistic expectations, which lead to discouragement. High standards are based on principles like honesty, virtue and integrity. Unrealistic expectations are frequently based on fears that you are not enough or not lovable or not smart enough or other variations.

To let go of unrealistic expectations try using the following:
  • Be compassionate toward yourself. Acknowledge and accept your feelings. Be willing to communicate honestly, without blaming. (I felt hurt because I thought . . .)
  • Get curious about the origin of your expectations. Become a bit of a detective and do some soul searching.
  • Be flexible, notice when you are using ‘my way or the highway’ tactics. Perhaps your partner is not wrong, just different.
  • Watch your self-talk. Reflect on how you would talk to a friend in this situation.
  • Consider the consequence of hanging on to a particular expectation. What is the cost to you and to your relationship? Consciously decide to let go of expectations that are harming rather than helping you.
  • Use your sense of humor. Visualize your expectations as if you were in a sitcom or cartoon. Learn to laugh at how unrealistic they are.
Replacing your unrealistic expectations with more realistic expectations may help you think more positively about your relationship. You may start to behave more positively toward your partner and your relationship will be strengthened.

Rabu, 29 April 2015

Forgiveness Heals Relationships

By Dillah Wlk   Posted at  22.11   No comments

Forgiveness Heals Relationships

It is inevitable that you will be hurt in a love relationship, in fact, the closer your relationship the greater your chances of hurting each other.  Little hurts will happen often. She doesn’t listen when you want to share something important. He is home late from work. You judge each other and say things that you regret. Resentment builds and the relationship becomes strained.

The building resentment starts to poison your relationship. You begin to avoid spending time with each other. You start criticizing your partner to others. You may reject your partner’s efforts to reconnect. If this resentment is left unchecked separation and divorce too often are the result.

The fact that you feel hurt in your relationship does not mean that your relationship is doomed. Even a healthy relationship has its hic-ups. What helps to keep the relationship healthy is the willingness to forgive and let go of the hurt.

It is also critical to be aware that some of the pain you feel may be the result of emotional wounds inflicted in childhood or in previous relationships. Forgiving those who have harmed you in the past can free you to be more fully present in your current relationship.

For those who struggle with forgiving, it is helpful to remember that forgiving does not equal letting those who have hurt you get away with it. It also does not mean becoming a doormat or continuing to put up with abusive treatment. Forgiveness does not mean that you want to reconcile. Establishing and maintaining healthy boundaries goes hand-in-hand with forgiveness.

Steps to forgiveness:
  1. Allow yourself time. You may not feel ready to forgive just yet. Forgiveness is often more a process than an event.
  2. Talk it out. Talk to the person who has hurt you, if possible. If not, talk to a trusted friend or therapist. Accept and share your feelings; be compassionate toward yourself. You have a right to feel however you feel.
  3. Request change. Set or strengthen your boundaries to reduce the possibility of repeating the hurt.
  4. Stop torturing yourself. Stop rehashing and replaying what happened over and over in your mind. Find ways to change your focus to how you want your life to be. Find healthy ways to distract yourself from focusing on the hurt.
  5. Choose to forgive. You do not have to completely understand how it works. But you do have to be willing to let go.
Forgiveness is a choice that you make, not because the other person deserves to be forgiven, but because you deserve to be free of resentment and bitterness.

Sabtu, 28 Maret 2015

Celebrate Your Partner's Success

By Dillah Wlk   Posted at  15.10   No comments

Celebrate Your Partner's Success

It is natural to feel disappointed if friends or loved ones fail to show interest or excitement about our successes. Many clients have expressed feeling crushed when they excitedly shared good news and their partners have simply grunted or immediately switched the focus to something else.

When something good happens for your partner do you feel happy for them or do you envy or resent their success? Is your relationship about competition or teamwork? The more you can behave as if the two of you are a team the better. Little things like acknowledging and celebrating each other’s wins or successes are crucial to strengthening your relationship. Whether it is a new job, promotion, or sports victory, your reactions and actions will either bring you closer or put a wedge between you.

If you find yourself feeling envious or resentful at your partner’s successes, it may be time to take a step back. Be compassionate toward yourself. It is okay to feel however you feel and is especially important to be honest with yourself. It can be tempting to deny those negative feelings. The problem with denying how you are feeling is that the negative emotions have a way of oozing out toward your partner either openly or sneakily. A better choice might be to be honest with your partner, “I am feeling a little envious of your success right now;” and then choose to enjoy their success anyway, “but I am super happy for you!”

Do you find yourself competing with your partner? Ask yourself, are you comparing yourself to your partner; are you allowing their success to make you feel worse about your accomplishments or lack thereof? Consider the possibility that their success simply belongs to them and does not reflect badly on you. Consider letting go of the need to compete and allow yourself to accept and appreciate your partner’s success.

Pay attention to what you are saying to yourself. How are you spinning their success? Is it negative, “Of course, things always work out for her; they never work out for me”? If you are feeling angry at the success of others, some personal insecurities may be surfacing. Perhaps it would be helpful to dig a little deeper. Ask yourself, “What is it about my partner’s success that feels threatening to me?” And, “What can I do to let go of any feelings of inferiority and be more accepting and compassionate toward myself?”

Moving from a scarcity mentality, where the success of others means there is less for you; to an abundance mentality, where there is more than enough for all, will make enjoying your partner’s success much easier. Remember that your partner’s success in no way diminishes you. Choose to not go to the place of envy.

  1. The next time your partner shares good news choose to:
  2. Smile and show some excitement
  3. Show interest and ask questions
  4. Offer congratulations
  5. And help them relive the experience by being present, listening and sharing.

If this does not come naturally to you, remember it is a skill that can be learned and with practice will become easier. Choose to become your partner’s biggest supporter.

Susan Derry, B.Ed., M.S.Psy., R.T.C., C.P.C.
Professional Counselor & Life Coach
Co-author of Marriage Prep: Beginnings a downloadable marriage preparation course
Co-author of Intimate Sex: Manual for Lovemaking, a sex manual for couples
Offers a free Nurturing Marriage Ezine

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